The Last Page
by H.J.00
Summary: The last page of Kikyou's Diary.


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters of 'Inuyasha'. They all belongs to Rumiko Takahashi.

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-I'm Sorry...  
I had dreamed about him saying 'sorry' once and again. In that bad dream, he kept saying sorry to me. And this time, it wasn't just a bad dream. He said it in reality.  
Because I dreamed about that situation so many times, I could easily expect what he would say next.  
-We… should stop this. It's just, too much… It's too painful.  
And I couldn't say a word.

He loved me from the deep place of his heart. Even though I had no real flesh, no body heat, couldn't get pregnant and even couldn't get old, he was dedicated and I could feel it. He was totally different from '_that guy'_-whom I loved half a century ago.  
I loved that guy when I was still warm. He was my first love, but the centroid was on his side. I remember someone saying "If someone falls in love, the one who loves more must get to be a loser". And I was exactly that case. I loved him more than he loved me, so I could bear everything including my own death.  
But this guy, he was different. As his twisted feeling toward me arrive at a proper place, he surprisingly changed from a cruel paranoiac to a sincere lover. He gave his entire heart to me for nothing.  
But his sincerity planted worry in my mind from time unknown. I was poor sharer-the only thing I knew was giving, not sharing. So his endless love makes me confused sometimes. At first, I just fluttered with hope, but as our relationship continued, I couldn't help having misgivings about this.  
Why he loves me? Technically I live in here, in this world but I don't have real life, and my soul was once shattered in pieces. I, as an existence, was nothing but a collection of patchworked soul.  
But despite all the fact, he loved me, and I couldn't believe that. That was, too good to be real. Like I had done once, if I gave my heart to him more than he did, maybe at least I could be comfortable because I used to giving something rather than receiving.  
But his love is really deep, like a bottomless lake and I feared that I sink into the lake as time passes by. I thought if I would accept his love as a natural thing someday, I couldn't support my life without his love. But ironically that fear kept me from saying goodbye, because that fear was the very proof that I was already given his love too much.  
Therefore, his saying goodbye really scratched my entire heart. Even for the last few days, he had been the same man I loved, and I hadn't been able to catch a single clue that he would say goodbye. When I fell asleep, suffered from that terrible nightmare-him saying goodbye-and woke up with sweat all over my back, he usually hugged me and said don't worry, but this wasn't a dream. He really bade a farewell to me.  
And he said it is 'painful', like cutting every piece of lingering feelings. 'Pain' had such meaning to both of us, because we first met in a painful state, were agonized by severe pain, but finally got over all of them just a few years ago. And yet he said our relationship brought pain to both of us.  
So, I couldn't say a word.  
At the end of our parting, all I could do was voiceless and feeble resistance-just staring at him with tear in my eyes, but making every effort not to cry.

And the following day, I heard that he died. Suicide.  
Like I had done, he just vanished. we, who have an empty body, could not leave any trace when we die. But I didn't cry. We were already dead once, and there's no reason we should fear death.  
But suddenly I realized that I overlooked one thing. And that one thing is 'that' bead, entangled with this world's every vindictive spirits.  
He kept collecting the bead's fragments, and a few days before saying goodbye to me, he completed that thing. And after being suffered in anguish, he made a decision. Decision that vanishing with that tama. He prayed that thing vanish, and pay for that pray with his own death, like I did 50 years ago.  
He died for me. He died to set me free.

Today, I went to his castle. That structure, which was once a giant house, was desolated in the meantime. To see that abandoned place, then I knew how much my heart hurts, then I cried. Then I realized that he's gone. I collapsed at that spot, and cried over and over again. For the first time in many years, I felt bitter against him. Foolish man...If he had not committed so many bad things while he waited me to wake up again, maybe he didn't have to die. Maybe he could stay alive.

Now I knew him. His love, like an old tree, never changes even though he falls down. He didn't change. He just fell down. He gave his entire heart to me, and then collapsed.  
I suddenly brought our last kiss to mind. Then I could understand his agonized and careful look. In the end, that old tree was blown down.

Now I've said all what I wanted to say, and finally I can put down my pen.

And I….


End file.
